As I said before, I have some serious entries to write that I have been putting off. It is hard to write about, but it is a good exercise to get it out. The writing is not going to win a prize, yet it can help people understand our story and maybe I can understand it better by writing about it.
God's timing is so amazing. One day you think you know where he is leading and the next you are perplexed at why he would do such things. The last year of our lives has been such a question mark to us. We think we see the Lord leading us one way and next thing we know that door closes. It is a day today struggle to just wait, stay patient, and listen for God's calling in our lives.
As many already know Kristin and I have been waiting for God's calling to have children. Shortly after we married we stopped trying to prevent pregnancy and left it up to the Lord to deliver in his good timing. It was weird because nothing really happened for a while. Things went along and we did not think twice about what God had in store for us. After about a year or so we decided to just inquire next time Kristin went to see her doctor. When the time came for her checkup she asked and the doctor said we could do some test, but before we do we should try a little more. Wouldn't you know it 3 weeks go by and we are pregnant. Like everyone else we held off telling anyone because of the risks before the first 6-10 weeks. We went to the doctor at about 6 weeks and he said everything looked great and to come back in 2 weeks to hear the heartbeat. It was in those 2 weeks that things went wrong. The first thing we did was tell both sets of parents we were pregnant. Everything was awesome and the whole family was so excited. about a week or so later Kristin started spotting. The doctor said that can be normal for this to happen and being new parents we were scared so we went in to the doctor. He looked at everything and it seemed to be okay. He sent us home with instructions that if it gets heavier than we should come back in, but if it subsides then we are alright. Sure enough, it did not let up over the next day. We knew what was happening, but were afraid to even think about it. After just telling all the family and some close friends we find this out. Why would this happen to us? How can God use this for his glory? That night when Kristin was in the bathroom was the hardest night of our married life. It is hard enough to bar what was happening to our child and on top of that I could hear my wife and the pain she was going through. We stayed apart almost the whole night. I laid in bed wide awake sick to my stomach while Kristin cried in the bathroom. I could not go in there and she did not want me to see what was happening. We made it through the night and called and got an appointment with our doctor. As we knew from what Kristin went through, the pregnancy was terminated. The doctor looked and we needed to pass more tissue or we would have to go in for a D & C. He sent us home and we prayed for everything to pass.
The next day, we went in and he immediately said we are going to have to go in for a D & C. Not only did we loose our child, but we have to go through this procedure as well. It does not sound like a complicated procedure when you first find out what it is, but when you are forced to go through it after a loss like this it is horrible. It is the same exact procedure many women go through every day to abort their children and we are going through it unwillingly. This day quickly became the worst day of out lives together.
The procedure went well and I was able to take Kristin home within a few hours. We were hurting so bad after the whole horrible experience we just went through. We both stayed home and then the weekend came and we were able to just lay low for a whole weekend and try and heal. The D & C brought finalization to the whole experience. It was the hardest thing to get over that fact that it was over. Then all the questions come to mind as to how do we tell people. How do I tell them without it being uncomfortable. We decided to let our family know and I sent an email to my boss.
After talking to our doctor and countless people that had gone through similar experiences we were assured that we could try again. After hearing so many people come up to us, I could not believe how many people had gone through stuff like this.
About 5 months go by and we figure out that we are pregnant again. Guarded this time we decide to wait longer to even tell the family. Everyone is excited and things are moving along great. Then, again Kristin tells me she is spotting again. it hurt for to even tell me. We would not even tell the family this time that she was. We could not bear to tell them that this could be happening again. After a day, we go to the doctor and he said everything still looks fine. He was so calm in the way he dealt with us. We felt in crisis mode and he was so reassuring that everything was fine. We went home not knowing what to feel. We were still scared yet at this point we had not real reasons to be yet. He told us that if we have any issues do not bother making an appointment and to just come down. That made us feel a little more conformable.
That night it started to happen again. All the memories of the first incident came back. We knew this time what we were dealing with and could not bare for it to happen again. This time we knew what was going on. It was happening again and we wished there was something, anything we could do to stop it. It was driving Kristin crazy that there was absolutely nothing we could do. IT then became the hardest night of our married life. I could not even lay in bed. I paced the house while Kristin was in the bathroom. It was the longest night of our lives. There was no rest, just restlessness. I felt like I was about to vomit I was so upset. Again, the pain is on two levels. My own personal pain with what I am going through and seeing my wife in pain both emotionally and physically. I had to lead us through this situation and both direct Kristin and comfort her at the same time. The was distraught, crying, and wanted to go to the doctor right then. There was nothing that the doctors could do for us. This is a part of pregnancy that once it begins it is over. Such a hard fact to realize . Again we showed up to the doctors the next morning knowing it was over. He checked and we made arrangements for him to look again before we decided on another D & C. The next day we determined that we had to go in for the D & C and we handled it much better. We kept our minds set on just the next thing we had to do and got in and out. It was very smooth and we felt very sad yet we were more prepared this time. We were able to get home in a few hours and did not want to even think or talk about pregnancy.
We decided to talk to a specialist about starting the testing process and we began those. So far we have found nothing that is the exact cause. We should know more in the next few months, but through this whole process, we get a IM from my mother that Kristin tells me about as I lay on the couch. My mom asked us if we have considered adoption. I got a shiver down my spine and both Kristin and I just let it sit on our minds for a day. I will tell that part of the story later.
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